When It’s Okay Not To Be Kind
Conventional (read: outdated and sexist) wisdom tells us that when a woman asks “how do I look,” she is almost always fishing for a compliment or seeking reassurance. The thinking goes that you shouldn’t tell her the dress she has on is unflattering; instead, offer the comforting boost of self-esteem she’s really seeking. Don’t say something negative about that new haircut she’s clearly not sure about. Tell her yes, it does look like whatever movie star or singer she loves.
But where is the line between giving comfort and being outright deceptive? And is there a point where your well-intentioned flattery is doing more harm than good?
I ask myself the honesty-versus-kindness question on a regular basis in my job. Journalists, at best, are supposed to be unflinchingly honest, and they’re supposed to at least attempt to be unbiased in their work. But there has to be room for compassion, and we have to remember that the people we write about and report on and investigate are people whose lives will go on after we’ve filed our story about their car wreck or house fire. Be truthful, be accurate, but don’t be cruel. As you can imagine, that is almost always easier said than done.
Let’s set aside the patronizing assumption that women don’t say what they mean (maybe she actually wants you to tell her how she looks!) for a moment. So many women struggle with body-image issues and are unhappy with their bodies that I think the natural tendency for women is to tell other women what we think they want to hear. Likewise, we ask our squad the question “how do I look” because we know — or we hope — that they will be our loyal cheerleaders and support us. That’s what friends do, right?
It would be nice to think that the movement against body-shaming has reduced the need for women to feel like they have to emulate some societal expectation of how they ought to look. Hopefully, we are learning to challenge what it means to say an item of clothing is “flattering” and are questioning why it should matter at all what someone else thinks of what we’re wearing or how we look.
But insecurities die hard, and sometimes what we need to hear are words of comfort. No one’s self confidence is so healthy that she doesn’t have days where she feels unappealing, physically or otherwise.
Other times, however, we need to know that we can trust that loyal friend to be brutally honest. And I think that’s where the distinction is: you earn the right to be frank with someone when you’ve proven they can trust you. Because let’s face it: “telling it like it is” and saying something hurtful in an attempt to avoid being “politically correct” are all ways of disguising what is usually, deep down, just your own assholish tendencies.
When you care about the other person, you know what power your words hold over them, and you learn when to offer comfort and when they may need more from you than a few kind words. That’s the hard part of being a good friend, whether male or female: offering comfort is almost always easier, but it’s not always the right thing to do.
