How To Cope With Other People’s Happiness
When I was around 9 or 10, I pointed at a lady in a swimming costume that was yellow and really frilly and laughed. I said she looked like Big Bird.
My friend, in the form of a little boy with huge glasses, shook his head at me and said, “Don’t be jealous.” Looking back now, I feel this response to my silly and spiteful comment was rather mature for a boy of his age. Because he was right, I was jealous. He’d pointed out the true emotion behind my words. I was jealous that this woman was beautiful and brave enough to wear this loud, colourful bikini amongst a sea of people donning boring navy bathing suits. She was the odd one out, and I was jealous of all the attention she was getting, and how much she was smiling.
Interesting, isn’t it, that jealousy is often disguised as something nasty? At school people would mock my bright blonde hair and I’d go home, trying to cover it up with big hats. My mum explained that people were probably jealous because it’s so bright and blonde and “people pay so much money to get hair likes yours.” But because you cannot process the possibility that any mean comment could be jealousy at such a young age, it’s so much easier to think they hate you and that you’re ugly because you already think that about yourself. They confirmed that my hair looked rubbish and I didn’t have the confidence to think, Hey, whatever, I look great. But the truth is: People are often repelled from you if they’re jealous of your life, instead of embracing it. I see this happen even now, around London Fashion Week, when people laugh behind others’ backs about the clothes they’re wearing. Why are they really poking fun at these people? Because they’re jealous of these people getting attention, having fun, being loud, being bright, being followed.
I’ve even heard someone admit to unfollowing me on Instagram because “you remind me that I should be doing more with my life.” It felt like a punch to the stomach because no one wants to be told that they are making other people feel like shit just by living their life. Plus, it really confused me because my life ain’t perfect either. I can’t even make avocado toast look good.
The thing is, it’s totally okay to be jealous — it’s just the act of hiding it that’s unhealthy in my opinion. I too have had my fair share of unfollowing or turning my nose up at people who I was jealous of. It was far easier to just fob them off as being “annoying” when in actual fact, if I was to look deep deep down, I was ridiculously envious. Given the choice: I would have swapped lives. Or I’d convinced myself that I would.
Being jealous can also leave that person you’re jealous of feeling guilty, which is not a nice feeling for anyone to have. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just a natural gut reaction to say you are “well jeal” of something or someone before taking the time to give them a proper response. The amount of times my colleague has been about to go on holiday you’ll say “argh jealous!” instead of “I hope you have a nice time, I know you’ve been really busy lately.” Or, recently in my job, I’ve been meeting a lot of female celebrities who I really admire, so when I do the natural human thing and post a selfie on Facebook with me and the famous-and-brilliant person, I’d get a stream of comments that all say: “Oh my god, I’m so jealous.” It made me feel bad about it. Like I didn’t deserve to meet this person when all these other people would have given their left arm to meet them. Who was I, posting all these smug pictures? Because being that person who makes people jealous makes you feel like a dick. Sometimes you just want people to say: “That’s cool! I hope you had a nice time.”
However, I believe it’s possible to train yourself to be slightly immune to jealousy. That way, you aren’t being a horrible person or making other people feel bad about their lives and you’re diving headfirst into your own without comparison. It’s not about erasing jealous feelings (realistically they are never going to go away), but it’s about turning them into something else. You can have your jealous gut reaction, then you can stop it, catch it in the palms of your hands and turn it into something much, much healthier instead.
First, you have to look at the reasons you are jealous. To really inspect it with a magnifying glass and prod around at your feelings, asking yourself: What is it really that you’re jealous of? Because if you sometimes poke around at why, you realize, strangely that you’re not jealous of the action or the thing, but you’re jealous of the happiness behind it. That’s all it is: You’re jealous of a feeling. You don’t actually want to be going on that Ibiza holiday in the sun — you hate clubbing! Or you don’t really want a baby yet — you’re just jealous of how happy that new mum is! Or, you’re not really jealous of your friend’s new super high-power job — it looks terrifying! You don’t actually want to be Kim Kardashian — imagine the chaos! It’s the fact that they’re happy and moving forward with their lives. So use this feeling as a prompt to figure out what will make you feel satisfied with your life.
Also, task yourself with facing up to jealousy. If you are scrolling past something on Instagram that makes you suddenly turn lime green, LIKE THE PHOTO. If you see someone sharing happy news, say “Well done.” The more you practice the art of looking jealousy in the face, being nice, and actually overcoming it by being genuinely happy for someone, you will always be on the path to your own personal goals and you won’t lose any friends in the process. Let jealousy be the green-eyed monster, not you.
